The word “no” can be a big word. It can squash other people’s fun. But, it can be a very necessary word and be freeing. When we received a cute little invitation in the mail for our great-grandson’s third birthday, I sent an R.S.V.P. that no, we wouldn’t attend. “Your granddad and I will see the whole family in two weeks, and we’ll enjoy everyone then.”
In my mind, “no” was a satisfactory answer. Needless to say, the trip for a 3-year-old’s birthday party became a family affair.
My Sweet Al and I are at a place in life where a quick six-hour trip each way is hard on us, and we now prepare ahead for handicap-accessible accommodations and road stops.
I remember the days when we moved in and out of each other’s lives and our guests did the same. We had an open-door policy for everyone. If someone showed up late at night, hungry and tired, we fed them and made room for them. Many times we moved our children out of their beds to accommodate another family — changed sheets and always made room at the inn. We were taught this was the Christian way.
Everyone, even their dogs, were invited to come and enjoy these wonderful mountains and our home. We shared what we had. We set the stage for whoever or however they showed up. We were prepared for them. We had food in the freezer and pantry, and we made a quick meal for them.
My son said to me years ago, “You never taught us to say no.”
I told him, “I didn’t know I could turn anyone away. If we had it to give, then we needed to share.”
Today, I’m very selective with yes and no.
Things have changed. No longer do we freely throw open the door. We have enforced boundaries. Hopefully, we have become wiser and learned it’s OK to say no. We also learned, if we can’t afford a hotel room, then we don’t go.
Five days before the party, our daughter said, “I’m going, with or without the family.”
Al said, “If she’s going, I’m going.”
My son said, “If Daddy goes, then you have to go to ensure his safety. I’ll call and make reservations for you.”
Plans changed and my “no” didn’t hold. The original rate for the hotel near their house tripled for the night. I said, “I’m not going to pay $450 for one night. We can go another weekend when there isn’t some special event in town.”
Our daughter said she was going. She would crash on the couch or sleep in her car. Nothing was going to stop her.
My Sweet Al said he had to go to keep her safe. He could sleep on the floor or in the car, too.
No. No. No, absolutely not. There is no way Al was going to sleep in the car. If I had to go for Al’s sake, pay the price, I would. It’s not about the money, but the principle. It was all about saying no.
It took three days to convince my Sweet Al there would be a better weekend. After all, they had invited 40 guests and all the neighborhood kids. Finally, Al said, after a lot of convincing, “OK.”
My son became involved. When he heard that his sister was considering sleeping in the car or crashing on the couch uninvited, he said, “Mother, it’s a nasty world out there. My sister can’t sleep in her car. It’s not safe. You can’t let her do that. She can’t show up unexpected and invite herself to sleep on their couch. Their condo is very small.”
She says she’s going to wing it. I can’t stop her. All I know is it took three days to convince her dad to stay home. This weekend isn’t that important. There are other weekends.
I was dealing with multiple headstrong personalities. Al thinks he can help our daughter in case she has car trouble and he will keep her safe. He doesn’t know his limitations and how we are trying to keep him safe. My daughter thinks it’s fine to go unprepared and crash on a sofa. My son can’t believe I’d let them do what they want to do.
Sometimes we need to say yes and understand the significance of our presence and how valuable we are to our family.
Final brushstroke: Looking back to how it used to be, this world has changed. We have also changed. It’s OK to say “No.” When Al and I go with the family, their roles change. They are on alert, and they move at a slower pace. A handicap-accessible room is necessary. Anything out of the regular daily routine can bring confusion to Al. We all need to know our limitations, and it’s OK to say no.
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