Every October, we take time to shine a light on domestic violence.
We raise awareness. We share stories. We talk about how to support survivors.
But one thing we’ve been seeing more and more in our work, something that often flies under the radar, is how technology-facilitated abuse, or TFA, is emerging as a quieter, more modern face of domestic violence.
And, like all of the most effective forms of control, it hides best when it looks like concern, and it’s hardest to name when it almost feels reasonable.
“It’s just for your protection.”
“I just want to know you’re safe.”
“Let me be the recovery email, that way you won’t get locked out.”
“Give me your login, I’ll set up bill pay so you don’t have to stress.”
These phrases may sound harmless, even loving, and that’s what makes them hard to refuse.
At its core, domestic violence is a pattern. It’s not just about physical harm. It’s about power, control and isolation. And when that control is filtered through technology, it doesn’t always leave a mark. It can just leave you feeling unsettled, second guessing yourself or, worse, not even realize that it’s happening.
In a 2021 study by the National Network to End Domestic Violence, it was found that 85 percent of domestic violence programs reported helping survivors whose abusers were using technology to stalk, harass or control them.
• 79 percent said abusers monitored their social media activity.
• 74 percent said abusers regularly checked their text messages.
• 71 percent said abusers tracked or scrutinized their computer use.
TFA is appealing to abusers because it’s easy.
It offers constant access. It feeds that sense of entitlement to know everything: Where are you? How long will you be there? Who are you with? How much did you spend? Who are you texting? What are you texting them about?
To someone bent on control, those aren’t just questions — they’re expectations and demands in disguise. Survivors often feel that they have to answer these questions, not because they want to, but because they know what happens if they don’t.
And when technology starts answering these questions automatically, control becomes frictionless. What used to take asking, arguing, even following, can now happen silently, with a single app, a shared iCloud account, bank logins saved on their phone, the GPS in your car like OnStar or even just accessing Google Timeline or stalking your social media.
So, what can be done about all of this? How can we support survivor safety in this new age of domestic violence?
1. Learn the signs: TFA often hides in plain sight disguised as concern, convenience or love.
2. Check your settings: Shared logins, location tracking and synced accounts can all be weaponized. Review your privacy and account access regularly.
3. Believe survivors: When someone says that they feel monitored, controlled or unsafe, believe them. Even if you or they can’t easily see it or “prove” it.
4. Offer options, not ultimatums: Safety looks different for every survivor. Support their choices, not just your idea of escape.
5. Spread the word: Awareness is prevention. Talk about tech abuse. Share this article. Break the silence on tech-facilitated domestic violence.
In this brave new world, the roots of domestic violence remain the same — power and control — but the methods have evolved.
The same innovations that make connection effortless can, in the wrong hands, become tools of control. The issue isn’t the technology, but the intent behind it. And that means our approaches to safety and support must evolve, too.
At Rise Above Violence, we’re here to help you navigate this new landscape.
If you think someone may be misusing technology to control or intimidate you, reach out.
Our advocates are here anytime at (970) 264-9075. Our hotline is confidential and available 24/7.
You are not alone, and together we rise.
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