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Sweet Al: My hopeless romantic

Yes, I’m married to a hopeless romantic. My Sweet Al reminded me that it’s April Fools’ Day and our anniversary of 54 years. He is still talking about “The Bachelor” and Juan Pablo. Eight million people watched him kiss and kiss and kiss, then ditch and ditch and ditch. He cried when they left, he wanted them all.

Several of the girls got the hint, and bailed. We thought they were crazy, they gave up the muscle-bound with an accent. Now, we’re all praising them for the wisdom they had to retreat.

Even Shawn, an ex-bachelor was baffled and his wife said, “Don’t slap the hand that feeds you.”

Even his own parents warned the girls, “He’s difficult, are you willing to love him anyway?”

Juan Pablo came to the show as the nicest guy ever and left as the show’s biggest jerk according to the women and the millions who watched the three-hour-on-going final-rose ceremony. The confirmed bachelor is not apologizing and says he’s not the bad guy.

As we watched this reality show, our conversation went like this, “What did he say? Go back. Play it again, did he really say, ‘I’m glad I didn’t pick her?’”

“Poor Clare.”

“She wouldn’t have been right for Camila, anyway, she’s too stuck on herself. She was catty to the other girls.”

We were all against Clare until the final date, and then we all wanted her to win. “Win Juan Pablo? No. Tell all and walk away. We could only imagine the horrible things he said to her.

Then there is poor Nikki, the one who got him. We waited for him to pop the question, “Will you marry me?” He wouldn’t.

Chris Harrison nailed him to the wall, “Why won’t you tell her you love her? You know this show is about falling in love and getting married.”

He wouldn’t budge. Nikki smiled and defended him.

I said, “She’s in love, she got the rose and it’s okay. Whatever Juan Pablo said seemed to be ‘okay’ with her. It was his ‘okay’ thing and ‘that’s nice’ and ‘I’m just being honest,’ that got to me.”

“‘Okay’ would grow very thin. Can you imagine spending the next 50 years hearing him say, ‘It’s okay.’ That guy’s a Casanova. When you listen to the girls, you want to believe that he’s a real cad. Then, when you listen to his side of the story, it makes total sense. He can sell you anything and you want to believe him.”

My Sweet Al said, “A person needs to know they’re loved. It isn’t right he won’t tell her he loves her. Juan Pablo is a game player. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. In fact he’s convinced everyone he’s right.”

“It’s kind of close to home, don’t you think? Your brother, David, is a game player. Every woman thinks he loves her, and she’s the only one. He leaves them all crying, too. I could tell them he’s not going to marry them, but they wouldn’t listen either.”

Then my Sweet Al reminded me, “I’ve told you every day of our marriage that I love you and I’ve meant it. It just isn’t right he won’t tell Nikki he loves her.”

“Yes you have, and no it isn’t right. It’s television.”

The producers of the show said there would be a big surprise. We all thought, including Chris Harrison, that Juan Pablo would get down on one knee and pop the question in front of millions. Juan Pablo said the surprise was that him and Nikki were there together.” Now that he said it, that was a big surprise.

My son-in-law said the big surprise was she was pregnant, didn’t you see how he kept looking down at her stomach? My daughter said the surprise was that we wasted three hours waiting for no surprise.

I guess that makes sense. He’s actually playing it real on a television reality show. The world doesn’t want him to be real, they want him to play the part, say I love you and pop the question.

Final brushstroke: We’ve all got a bet on how long it’s going to last. Juan Pablo said he wanted their relationship to be private, and after the show they were out of here. I bet after the check is cashed, he bolts. I hope they don’t break up before this goes to press, but then again, I’ll win. But of course, we won’t know, because they’ve gone private in this public love affair.

As for my Sweet Al, he has no accent and probably wouldn’t stand under a waterfall on an exotic island with me, but he’s planning an anniversary lunch out Mill Creek Road to our secret getaway and this is all the reality I will ever need.

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This story was posted on March 27, 2014.