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It’s always an experience: another pickup line

My Sweet Al and I were having dinner with his brother, David, at a local restaurant. It’s always an experience when we’re with him. The conversation always comes around to women and the women always come around.

An expensive bottle of wine is brought to the table. There’s a friendly exchange with the waitress. His favorite waitress isn’t there, so he’s breaking in another one for the evening. She’s working on a large tip and David assures her she’ll get one if she gives him good service.

The waitress asked me how I’d like to have my meat cooked. Before I could answer, David answered for me. “She want’s it medium rare.” Then he said, “I’m used to doing that.”

I said to David, “It’s all those bimbos you date. You have to think for them. That’s why you answer for them.”

Then a super neat lady came up to the table and asked David if his rack of lamb was good. She introduced herself and David introduced himself.

He said, “It’s good. Here, take a bite.”

If this isn’t a pickup line, I don’t know what is. The bite of lamb was fed to her across the table on his fork. She took the morsel of meat without her lips touching his fork. They exchanged “oohs” and “ahs” on how delicious the lamb was.

Al and I nodded our heads to each other as we watched an instant relationship happen between David, the master pickup artist, and this younger lady, who just wanted to know what was good on the menu. Apparently, there was more going on than what was on the menu. Eventually, he brought us into the conversation.

David introduced us to her. She bent down, grabbed my hand and held on. She said, “I’m so happy. I’ve always wanted to meet you. I read your column every week.” That line always wins me over. Then she said, “You’re the only woman in Pagosa I can relate to.”

What a line. I’m busting my buttons. Wow. Someone who reads my column and feels that way, I’ll follow her anywhere. I gave her my card and made plans to have lunch with her.

David brought her back into his conversation. He wanted her to know he just climbed 160 feet into the air for an inspection job on a water tank. He explained his business to her and how the younger inspectors won’t climb that high, but he does.

Wow, I’m impressed. I guess she was, too. The lady responds to David. Mind you, she is still holding my hand while she is talking to David. She says, “I was with some eighty-year-old men the other night; they were young and spry, but they can’t hold a candle to you.”

I could visualize in my mind his arms flexing under his shirt as he pulls in his stomach. With that line, David was all into the conversation. The lady went back to her table and ordered the rack of lamb. Before I knew it, he went to his car, got his business card and took it to her table. He invited her and her friend to the restaurant in Albuquerque where he’s financially invested.

Now she has my business card and David’s. She impressed both of us.

Back at our table, I told David I wouldn’t let My Sweet Al on the ladder, but I needed the cobwebs and windows washed in our home. If he could climb that high, he could help us with our 24-foot ceilings. He just laughed and said he had never heard that pickup line before and he had heard a lot.

That was that. I knew I would be climbing the ladder and washing my own windows.

The dinner conversation turned to his first wife. They were in their teens when they married; you can add up the years. He said he saw his first wife again after 60 years. “She’s old. She wanted to talk to me. Did you see her?”

I said, “Yes, I did see her. She shuffled into the room. She’s your age, David.”

He said, “It’s a good thing she’s not my wife now. What would I do with her?”

I said, “Zip, zero, nothing.”

He laughed and said, “You’re absolutely right.”

It was a beautiful evening sitting out on the restaurant’s patio, having dinner with Al and his brother. After dinner, Al helped me down the steps of the restaurant. I held on to the railing, carefully taking one step at a time.

David said, “You’d never be able to climb that one-hundred-sixty- foot water tank.”

I said, “Well, I could sure use someone climbing twenty-four feet up and washing my windows and pulling down those cobwebs.”

He ignored me. I knew that would never happen. In the car, I told my Sweet Al, “I figured it out. Pickup lines only work when you have something someone else wants. Did you see how that whole action came down tonight?”

Al said, “It happens all the time when I’m with my brother.”

We walked into the house. I said to Al, “I taped a Hallmark movie while we were gone. Do you want to stay up and watch it?” That line gets Al every time.

My Sweet Al said, “I’m in. That’s the best pickup line I’ve heard the whole night.”

Final brushstroke: I guess pickup lines work when you’re determined to get what you need and what they want. If I’m going to have clean windows, I’m not getting any help from David. He’s got other things on his mind.

Artist quote

I realized early on that success was tied to not giving up. Most people in this business gave up and went on to other things. If you simply didn’t give up, you would outlast the people who came in on the bus with you.

— Harrison Ford.

This story was posted on August 21, 2014.