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Picking weeds for weight loss

I’m chubby.

Thus, from what I’m told, I am out of the loop socially, politically, economically. While I am a member of a very large group of overweight folks, I am not in the vanguard in our celebrity-driven culture. I will not be rich or elected president of the U.S. of A. You gotta be fairly skinny to be popular.

Apparently, though, that’s not enough bad news.

I’ve discovered being overweight is but a sign of far deeper problems. Physical problems and, more important, psychological and spiritual flaws.

Or, so I’m told.

By my new advisors.

Thankfully, they know the ways out of my dilemma. They are compassionate. They have my best interests at heart. I am in their thrall. They will transform me.

True, Kathy has nagged me for years — OK, for decades — about overdoing things, food being but one of my weaknesses. I admit it: I have a tendency to go a bit too far in a number of areas so, maybe, Kathy has a point. But, her point pales by comparison to what I have learned of late.

My new advisors trump my wife. After all, they are sanctioned.

Lisa, Susun, Laura — they are on the Internet, and how could something inaccurate or insincere appear on the Internet?

They contacted me with an e-mail and the e-mail directed me to a website.

The website has The Answers.

While Kathy has been reduced to making comments like, “More cheese? Are you crazy?,” or “You’re not drinking another one of those, are you?,” Janice, Susun and Laura intend to help me reduce my weight and jack up my quality of life in more sophisticated ways — via an introduction to my Akashic record (and making adjustments therein), the ingestion of chickweed infusion and a confrontation with my vast shortcomings. Without a diet! These folks are heavy hitters. And I am their punching bag.

First up is the lovely Lisa. I know she is lovely because I’ve seen her photo on the website and, as I said above, it is impossible that anything on the Internet is misleading.

Lisa is a blond woman, obviously possessed of high-grade mental and physical health — the picture of spiritual solidity. In the photo, she wears a pair of very creative earrings and a heavy bauble is suspended just below her clavicles on a gold chain. The mystic’s uniform is complete. She smiles confidently and, most important, she appears to be leaning to the left (my left, her right) as if pushed there by a powerful, benevolent force.

That force?

Knowledge of the Akashic Record.

Therein lies one of the keys to my salvation. If I learn to access my Akashic Record, I am on the road to a better, thinner life. I have no idea what an Akashic record is — the only record I’m familiar with is a police record and I think mine was lost in a timely courthouse fire.

But, I am game, so I assume I have an Akashic record and I believe Lisa can help me access and modify it. According to Lisa, if I do this, I will be divinely guided every day. I will have access to the energetic library of my soul’s journey. I will have a place to heal my past or present life issues, to reclaim my abilities. We’re talking unconditional love that guides and heals me. What fat person doesn’t need that?

I am going to be transformed and I am going to receive a “Sacred Prayer” that provides me entry to the infinite realm of the Akashic Field (this is probably something like Coors Field, in Denver); and, says Lisa, I will be taught three healing prayers and “Grace Points” that will clear my energy, release my Karma and align me with my expanding self.

I take it for granted this “expanding self” is non-corporeal because, via the healing prayers and the repair of my personal compass, I am going to shed fat and pounds like a duck sheds water.

Lisa is going to use various modalities (I prefer Hunter’s green or pthalo blue modalities) to help me heal my past life karma. This is a good thing: I have a wagonload of past life karma that needs a whole lot of work. And she will help me release “old programming” that no longer serves me.

At last, I will be rid of my obsession with wet suits and Christina Aguilera.

And I get all this for a mere $250 (private consultations extra). I hope the private consultations involve exposure to that stiff spiritual wind and a special deal on significant jewelry.

What a marvelous opportunity, but Susun is closer to the mark, weight loss wise.

At first, I wonder if Susun made a typo in her promotional material, then I get it: Su-sun. Sun. Light. The source of energy. The star around which my (grossly swollen) personal planet orbits.

Wow!

Chickweed is the answer, says Susun. Not jimson weed, mind you. Ask me some time and I will recall for you a story involving jimson weed and a poorly supervised church youth group from Scottsbluff, Nebraska. Steer clear of jimson weed.

Susun claims that, whenever we need to dissolve something in our bodies or cool off some cells that are too hot, chickweed is the key. And here I thought a cold shower and clean thoughts would do the trick.

The chickweed approach is simple. A miracle, in fact. In miracles, simplicity is the leitmotif; complicated stuff can’t be miraculous. If you have to think about a miracle and subject it to rational scrutiny, it loses its edge very quickly.

Too fat? Susun says ingest a chickweed infusion. Aim for a quart or so a day. Put some honey in it, if necessary. It has to be better than the crud you drink before a colonoscopy. And we all know a colonoscopy is a very expensive way to lose weight.

Here’s the bonus: I can sit on my couch while I drink it!

That’s where Laura says I’ll be as I shed weight, without a diet.

This is perfect! After all, the couch is right in front of the television. And Cops reruns are on TV night and day. I can lose weight while reclining on the couch, and watching a semiliterate inebriate in a wife-beater T-shirt get tased and pummeled by members of the Broward County Sheriff’s Department.

Does life get any better?

According to Laura, I am first going to divest myself of all the frustrations, pain and suffering associated with previous, failed attempts to lose weight and, via a sharpened sense of intuition, I am going to regain a powerful sense of self that will propel me to lasting success. Not just in my drive to shed pounds but, I hope, in my goal of becoming an astronaut.

I am, says Laura, going to fall passionately in love with myself once I dispose of my hideous shortcomings. At that point, I’ll say bye bye to excess pounds and hello to enduring romance.

Both Laura and Susun offer to sell me a book to provide the info I need to turn the big corner in life.

What a deal!

If I buy the books and take Lisa’s course as well, you will have a hard time recognizing me. Hint: I will be the confidant guy at the center of the room — the one in the thong, body slathered in scented oils, standing under the bright light. Yes, that one — the fellow wearing chic Italian sunglasses and toting a beaker of chickweed infusion. You can call me Apollo.

Thanks to Lisa, Susun and Laura, the road from here on out is golden. I will be spiritually clean, psychologically fit and trim as trim can be.

On my couch.

With a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese on my lap and a bottle of a nice southern Rhone red at my side.

Surely this will be revealed in my cleansed Akashic record, along with my love of Verdi and the Ice Follies.

I figure I can eat as much mac and cheese as I want, if my record is spotless, I am pushed to an angle by a stiff divine wind, and I am overwhelming self-indulgent.

Oh, and as long as I eat the mac and cheese with a side of chickweed.

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